


It

by Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Crack, Cracky fluff, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Oz and Ed are basically kids, Some Swearing, also engaged, fluffy crack, what is this "canon" you speak of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 03:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11199870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus/pseuds/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus
Summary: Oswald is stressed, so Ed bought him a gift.





	It

Oswald stared at IT. He stared at IT for a long, long time. Eventually, he stopped staring at IT to stare at Ed, who was grinning innocently.

“Do you like it, Ozzie?” he asked.

Ozzie, meanwhile, went back to staring at IT. “Ed.” he said slowly, deliberately. “I’m not saying that I don’t like it, but why did you bring it here?”

IT was a penguin: a small, adorable penguin plushie with a pink hat, a red scarf and, for some mysterious reason, a green belly. It had “press here” sewn on its left foot.

“I saw it on my way home and just had to buy it.” Ed explained, patting the plushie’s head affectionately. In truth, it was an attempt to cheer his fiancé up, since he’s been rather stressed because of his mayoral duties, even with Ed helping him out. “You’re gonna love it, I just know it.”

Oswald looked at him skeptically before picking the other penguin up and regarding IT skeptically. He eyed its left foot. “Press here.” He read. “What does it do?”

Ed’s grin widened; he was doing his best not to giggle. “Press it and see.”

Casting him another Look, Oswald squeezed the penguin’s toes, and almost dropped it in surprise when the thing said ~Merry Christmas~, its head bobbing up and down as it spoke. The toy then fell silent, as if waiting for the bigger penguin to speak.

Oswald frowned.

“I don’t see why I would-“ he began.

~I don’t see why I would-~ the smaller penguin repeated in such a hilariously high-pitched voice that Edward couldn’t help but burst out laughing. The toy, of course, laughed back, head bobbing up and down.

“Oh my go- “ Ed tried to say, but was interrupted by a fresh burst of laughter. “Oh dear. I… I knew that its voice is supposed to be ridiculous, but…”

~Hahahahahahahahaha oh dear. I knew that its voice is supposed to be ridiculous but hahahahahaha~ the penguin replied, which made Ed laugh even harder, clutching his stomach as tears streamed down his face. 

Oswald, meanwhile, simply stared. He shifted his gaze between the laughing toy and his laughing fiancé. He sighed.

“Edward Nygma,” he began, “my love, light of my life… What the fuck?”

~-y life… What the fuck?~ the smaller penguin asked, and Oswald just had to smile because the thing sounded hilarious when swearing with that high-pitched voice.

“What the fuck?” he repeated, emphasising the word ‘fuck’, and chuckling in amusement when the penguin replied with a nice, loud ~What the FUCK?~

“Why the fuck are you repeating everything I say?”

~Why the fuck are you –hahahahahahaha Ozzie stop!-ay?~ 

“No, you little shit. You’re the one repeating every single fucking thing I say.”

~No you li-hahahahahahahahahahahahaha-ing every single fu-lease I can’t take it!- I say.~ 

Laughing, Oswald set the toy back down on the coffee table and sat cross-legged beside Ed, who was leaning against the table’s leg and alternating between laughter and sobbing. Oswald glanced at him, amused, and turned back to the toy.

“Fuck.” He said, desperately trying to keep a straight face.

~Fffffuck.~ The penguin replied.

Ed howled with laughter.

The little penguin howled along.

Oswald spent a couple of seconds re-evaluating his life choices before saying:  
“Tell Ed we’re keeping this tiny fucker” to the penguin and placing it on Ed’s lap.

~-Ed, we’re keeping this tiny fffucker.~ The penguin faithfully repeated before catching Ed’s laughter again and laughing along with him. Shaking his head, Oswald scooted closer and laughed with them.

 

***

 

It took them, two adult men, about 10-15 minutes to calm down enough to talk coherently. At some point, Ed recovered enough self-control to simply turn the penguin off so that they could talk and laugh without its little voice making the situation worse.

“See?” he gasped out, nodding weakly at the toy which was now resting quietly in his arms. “I knew that you would love it.”

Oswald wiped his eyes with a handkerchief, careful not to smudge his eyeliner or mascara. “I cannot believe that we just spent 30 minutes laughing at a toy penguin.” He sighed. “I do love it, though.” He actually couldn’t remember the last time when he laughed so hard and so long.

Ed looked up at him from wiping his glasses. “So, we’re keeping it?”

Oswald nodded, running his fingers through his hair in attempt to sort them out – the gel gave out sometime in the middle of the penguin’s and Ed’s duet of Bohemian Rhapsody. “Yes, Ed, we’re keeping it.” He agreed. “Maybe now my mother will stop pestering us about grandchildren.”

His parents were currently in Germany on what was officially their second honeymoon, but what was actually more similar to a honeyyear; the pair wanted to do some catching up. First, Elijah took them to Venice and Paris, and then Gertrud suggested that they visit Germany, too, so that they could explore her home country a bit. Ed and Oswald Skyped with them regularly.

Edward frowned. “I don’t think that your mother would appreciate you teaching her grandchild to swear.” He said with mock severity, pressing their “child” to his chest.

Oswald stuck his tongue out at him. “Puh-lease.” He rolled his eyes. “Young Danny knows when to shut up, and he’s smart enough to tell my mother exactly what she wants to hear.”

There was a moment of confused silence.

“Danny?” Ed raised his eyebrows with a smirk. “You’ve named him?”

“Of course I did.” Oswald shrugged. “He’s our son, after all; he needs a name.”

“Well I don’t remember getting a say on what we should name him.” Ed pouted. “And anyway how do you know it’s a he? Don’t misgender our child, Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot.”

“Fine. We’ll go with something gender-neutral. Deal?”

“Deal.”

 

***

 

They settled for Robyn Corey Kapelput the First, and Edward even managed to sew on a purple question mark over little Robyn’s green belly. They also stitched on a felt top hat in place of the pink woolly one, just because.

“Now our child is fabulous.” Oswald whispered, snapping a picture. “My father would be proud.”

Ed nodded, putting an arm around his fiancé’s shoulders. “I certainly am.” He whispered back, planting a kiss in Oswald’s dark hair. “Of all three of us.”

Oswald smiled warmly, “My, aren’t you just the cuteEST FUCKING HUSBAND IN THE WORLD?!” he suddenly yelled, making Ed jump away in surprise.

Of course, mister Robyn picked that up and yelled back ~-UTEST FUCKING HUSBAND IN THE WORLD.~

“See?” Oz grinned as Ed facepalmed, trying and failing to keep a straight face. “Our child agrees.”

 

***

 

Several days later, Edward was woken up in the middle of the night by a loud, high-pitched ~N O O T N O O T~ and a burst of hysterical laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> Robin and Cor(e)y are apparently gender-neutral names, so I just couldn’t resist. Also, this is somewhat based on true events:   
> Last Christmas me, my mom, my sister and my grandpa went to Homebase and saw a shelf full of those penguins. Long story short, we laughed like idiots for about 20 minutes and ended up buying 2 penguins and a reindeer. The reindeer went to Poland with my grandpa, where it is used to entertain my cousins and piss off my grandma. My sis and I have a penguin each. Mine is called Ozzie and I like listening to him swear back at me in this adorable voice of his. I love him dearly.
> 
> Noot noot.


End file.
